Eek! A Geek!

I build spreadsheets. For fun.

Okay, after letting that sink in for a moment, allow me to share the love. For spreadsheets. There's not an awful lot for which I haven't built a spreadsheet at some stage in my life. I mean, from spreadsheets calculating the best place to live, to spreadsheets linking real estate prices to a map of Ireland, to spreadsheets keeping track of my cycling adventures, to... well... anything you can dream of and then some.

My favourite spreadsheets are often the ones that are completely useless and are built from completely useless data sets. Latest one in this series is... my 'Vegas Index' spreadsheet. (I'll let that sink in for a moment as well)

I receive spam. Most of the time, it's the usual spam that we all get, you know, how to get products like C1al15 or V1@gra for fr33. But some spam triggers the imagination. Like the ones offering cheap hotel rooms in Las Vegas. For some dark reason, I held on to those instead of immediately trashing them as I should have done.

Then the other day, it all started making sense to me in my head. The spam served a purpose. I could simply use spam to analyze the Economic State of Affairs in The Entertainment Capital of the World. From that, I could draw conclusions about Global Economy, Expected Consumerism and from there it's only a small step to Global Warming and the resulting rise of sea levels of the North Sea. I'd take a simple spam message and use it to create the Ultimate Order in My Chaos!

And that's how my 'Vegas Index' was born. See it as a Dow Jones Index for Global Consumerism. Look at it as a barometer for the willingness to spend money. In fact, if I drop my usual modesty for a moment, you could argue that my Vegas Index is a lot more telling about whether or not we're hitting a recession than the Dow Jones index is. Think about it, Vegas is an exaggerated model of our now almost global desire to spend money. The Vegas index covers the hotel industry and from there the gambling industry, retail sales, transportation, production of goods, energy consumption, etcetera.

So what does the Vegas Index look like? Here's a chart that shows you the development since I started to receive the spam about Vegas:



In short, the Vegas Index dropped almost 20% from April 7th to July 5th. The Dow Jones Index 'only' dropped 12% in that same period. In short, Global economy is not looking good. The good news is that the Vegas Index also indicates the expected sea-level rise in the next 200 years (in millimetres). If you listen carefully you can hear a little polar bear cheer.

And you know... the best thing is... I now check my junk mail folder every day to see if I received another spam message with hotel prices in Vegas!

A Short History of Dutch Music - Part 2

With the great success of 'Eelrock' in the 60s and 70s, Holland was ready to create a second genre and add it to its Musical Heritage. We're talking early 80s and the concept of 'Nederpop' is invented. Musically at least as renewing as the 'Eelrock' genre, Nederpop arrived with a bang with a band called 'Doe Maar' (freely translates to 'Go on, make my day, I don't mind either way, so you might as well go ahead with it, but do understand that you won't get my complete support, simply because I don't care). It's a concise language, Dutch.


Doe Maar brought a ska-ish, reggae music to the Dutch public. Combining typically Dutch subject matter (drugs, television, eternal doom, existential crises, and of course the secret love for your night nurse), the colours of the early 80s (bright pink and an incredibly hurtful shade of neon-green) and a combination of boyish good looks with a naïve desire to make 'adult music', the band was clearly destined for stardom. Teen stardom, that is. And that's exactly what they got. But obviously, Holland being Holland, teen stardom literally meant 'barely teen stardom'. With the average age of the Doe Maar fans being estimated at 12, before people knew it Dutch Society was facing its worst crisis since the war against Spain in the late 1500s.

What happened? A couple of things. Firstly, Doe Maar had figured that writing words with numbers instead of letters would be a nice trade mark. You know, writing the word 'for' as '4' and making all kinds of clever combinations like that. Exactly, this is where Prince got the idea. Problem was that kids all over Holland, in the middle of learning how to spell correctly, figured that one day, this way of spelling might come in handy when trying to squeeze a message of 500 characters into a space limited messaging method. How wrong could they be…

Secondly, all 10-14 year old girls in Holland fell in love with Doe Maar overnight. This resulted in a World Record of 'mass-lovesickness' still unsurpassed in the History of the World. Take That tried to beat the record when they broke up, but didn't even come close.

Parents were worried, teachers were worried, eye doctors were worried (because of the abundance of bright pink and hyper reflective green that all of a sudden appeared everywhere), even Doe Maar themselves were worried. After all, they were serious musicians, trying to be taken seriously and here they were giving concerts to people being dropped off by their parents at 6 and who had to be back in bed by 8.

So they did what any self-respecting serious band would do when faced with the burden of teen stardom. They called it quits. By doing so, they literally broke up with millions of teens. It was heart breaking. If you think the news of Take That breaking up (now, where do you think they got that idea in the first place?) was the saddest moment in music history, you should have seen the aftermath of the Doe Maar break-up. A generation scarred.

Of course, there were many Dutch groups that had bravely tried to surf the Nederpop wave that Doe Maar created. Some had some success, but after the Doe Maar break-up the momentum was instantly gone. A few groups tried desperately to recreate the feeling, but with over a million teenage girls in public mourning, there was simply no market for any Dutch pop music anymore… …for a long long time.

Holiday Snapshots

A Short History of Dutch Music - Part 1

Time for some culture injections. I think it's a good moment to explain some of the weirdness that is Dutch Music. I'll try to steer clear of the details of the major Dutch successes in Global Rock and Pop History. What? Dutch successes? Yes, there are a few. And anyone who has ever spoken to a Dutchman for over 20 minutes will undoubtedly recognize the following dialogue:

Dutch: "So do you know some Dutch Music?"
Undutch: "Ehm?"
Dutch: "We are very famous for our music!"
Undutch: "Ehm?"
Dutch: "Don’t you know any Dutch music, come on, you have to guess!"
Undutch: "Ehm? Was Elvis Dutch?"
Dutch: "No, come on, one of the most famous songs in the world is Dutch!"
Undutch: "I thought Paul McCartney was from Liverpool?"
Dutch: "The Golden Earring! The Golden Earring! The Golden Earring!"
Undutch: "Ehm?"
Dutch: "Come on! They are famous! You know, 'When the Lady Smiles', 'Twilight Zone'?"
Undutch: "Ehm?"
Dutch: "Tumtumtumtumtadidumdum, tumtumtumtumtadidumdum"
Undutch: "Ehm, I think I’m late for a meeting"
Dutch: "Radar Love?" (and, while air-guitaring:) "Tung Tung Tang…. Tung Tang Tong… Tung Tang Tung Tang Tong… Tung Tang Tonggggggg…"
Undutch: "Ah!" (Clueless)

So never mind the Dutch successes, since it will only trigger a discussion that inevitably ends up with tiring explanations of why '2 Unlimited' and 'The Vengaboys' are really a Belgian way to discredit the Dutch. No, instead, I intend to give you some insight.

Let's start off with the concept of 'Eelrock'. The dutch call this 'Palingrock'. Promising name for a musical genre, isn't it? To explain this genre, unique in the world, I will need to cover a little part of the history of Holland. Just bring up Google Maps for a moment and look at the map of Holland. See that big lake thingy in the middle? That used to be a sea. So surrounding the lake are many villages whose inhabitants all learned the same profession. They were Fishermen! Proud Fishermen, who sailed the seven seas and brought back riches (well, fish really) from far away oceans and exotic places.

And then in 1932 the sea became a lake. Not good for local economy, obviously, and not very good either for most fish, but people from Hyppolytushoef now could visit their family in Bolsward and be back before dinner. Progress.

Most of our proud fishermen were just a tiny bit upset and gathered in their local churches. The priests offered them solace with Sentences like 'Thou shalt reap the benefits of thy glory' and 'Break bread and share the wine'. In the end, each village chose a new occupation. Edam decided that they would collectively make cheese to go with the bread and wine. Monnickendam decided to become a suburb of Amsterdam. And Volendam… well… Volendam decided to become a Haven of Rock And Roll. (Urban legend has it that they misinterpreted the 'Thou shalt reap the benefits of thy glory')

And the fish? Well, some species adapted. The Eel for instance. It decided that the salt in the water had been strongly overrated anyway and that the word fresh in 'fresh water' wasn't in there for nothing. The ex-fishermen of Volendam, now aspiring rock 'n' roll stars, decided that they would catch some eel while waiting for a record deal and sell it to the people who would one day come and visit their town in awe of its artistic merits in the Global History of Rock and Roll.

Thus was born the genre of 'Palingrock'. Within 30 years after reinventing themselves, the people of Volendam had single-handedly reshaped the musical landscape of the world. Well, of Holland. With songs celebrating their past travels at sea with poetic titles as 'One Way Wind' and 'Sailing Home', they conquered the world. Well, Holland. The fame as one of the four towns that make up the well-known Square of Music History (Memphis, Seattle, Liverpool and Volendam) has caused the town to become one of the most visited places in the world. Bus loads of music lovers visit the town during summer, eat a smoked eel that gave the musical genre its name and walk around the town in awe of the musical history that can be deduced from the last names on almost every door: Smit, Veerman, Schilder, Smit, Veerman, Schilder, Smit, Veerman, Schilder, (all not related one to the other, or at least, not directly related…) the list is endless.

Ctrl-VdG Friday

Today’s the first Ctrl-VdG Friday. Just click to Leave a comment and then empty your Ctrl-V inside. No explanations needed. Mine is:

Not in Support - Could be OSG or Finance?

Time for a quick comparative marketing research item

The first Dutch Starbucks has opened inside Schiphol Airport. Price for a Grande Latte is €3,70. Price for a Grande Java Banana Chocolate Chip Blended Crème Frappuccino is €5,60.

Now, quick, let’s make this blog interactive. Run over to your local Starbucks and use the comments to give me the price for these two items in your local currency. If they don’t sell the Java Banana Chocolate Chip Blended Crème Frappuccino, choose the thing that most resembles it. It should have at least some chocolate in it. Remember, we’re looking at the Grande versions.

The Flight Codex – Short Synopsis

The Flight Codex is in fact a rather large document. As many important life altering documents (think The Bible, the Harry Potter series or the Argos Catalogue), it goes into a lot of detail. It is also quite repetitive, to be completely honest, and not the best of reads.

In it, the 6 major European Airlines have laid out the ground rules of Modern Day Air Travel. It offers a set of detailed instructions for airplane staff, airport personnel and assisting job functions. More importantly, it contains a complete glossary of all processes and procedures on which Modern Day Air Travel is based.

The most important rule has been embossed as a watermark on the inside of the front and back cover. It reads:

Air Travel will be as uncomfortable as can possibly be achieved under a shroud of inconvenient luxury

The rule makes immediate sense to everyone who has ever taken a plane. It explains the following 'quirks' of air travel:

• Air Travel at first glance seems to offer considerable time savings compared to ground transport. However, upon arrival at the final destination you suddenly realize that you only saved 45 minutes at most. This includes travel to destinations that are hard to reach by ground transport, such as islands or Sweden.
  
  
• When booking, air travel seems to have decent pricing, very close to ground transport alternatives. Only when returning from your trip you find that no matter how cheap the flight was when you booked, you ended up spending exactly twice that amount.
  
  
• Your plane always leaves from the gate furthest away from the terminal building. All gates you pass while walking to your departure gate appear to be not in use. This one obviously depends on the availability of 'distant gates'. Try Heathrow or Schiphol for perfect examples.
  
  
• Your plane always arrives at the gate furthest away from the terminal building. Similar to the previous quirk, when walking towards baggage claim, you notice that all gates closer to baggage claim are all not in use.
  
  
• No matter how long you spend walking back to baggage claim, you always arrive at baggage claim at least 25 minutes before your suitcase does. In some major European airports this quirk has seen a slight upgrade in the past few years. In these airports, your suitcase will arrive exactly 75 seconds before your connecting train is leaving the platform.
  
  
• Once in every 16 trips (the airlines keep track of this), you will be leaving from one of the nearby gates. The joy this temporarily brings you will evaporate once you find out that this means that the plane is parked at the other side of the airport.
  
  
• The bus that will bring you to the plane in these cases is precisely big enough to not hold all passengers in one go. Furthermore the number of passengers on the bus will be calculated by using the simple formula: seats + hand grips +12.
  
  
• Food will be served on board of a plane. The amount of food will be exactly enough to disappoint greatly and will be just enough to not satisfy your nutritional intake needs for the remainder of the day.
  
  
• Warm Food will be served in very promising packaging. Food will carry names like 'Tenderloin on a bed of crispy stir fried vegetables and sautéed dill-potatoes'. Inevitably, you will find chicken or fish below the piping hot aluminium foil, accompanied by a mismatch of moist tasteless vegetables covered by micro-waved condense drops dripping down from the aluminium foil.
  
  
  
• The tray on which the food is served will be mathematically calculated to be precisely too small to hold its contents once opened. The ratio of tray and tray table is designed to exactly not hold any of the empty food packaging, unless you place your 'cold drink cup' inside your still empty 'warm drink cup'.
  
  
• Hot drinks are served only once you've opened all food packaging and your cold drink has been placed neatly inside the empty 'warm drink cup'
  
  
• Cold drinks are served. You can choose between Tomato Juice, Apple Juice, Orange Juice, Coke and water. People around you will choose Tomato Juice.
  
  
• Cold drinks are served in small plastic containers that are so flexible that they can only be filled half. If filled more than half, picking up the container means that you 'flex' the contents over its edge.
  
  
• Picking up your cold drink cup at the bottom end will cause it to crack.
  
  
• Check-in luggage weight restrictions follow the easy to remember formula of: Weight of suitcase + 2 boxer shorts + 2 pairs of socks + one toothbrush
  
  
• Carry-on luggage weight restrictions only apply when not checking in any luggage.
  
  
• The allowed size of carry-on luggage is exactly 2 centimeters larger in all directions than the size of overhead compartments and the space underneath the seat in front of you.
  
  
• The formula for calculating leg space is: (1/length of flight (hrs))*0,9 + (3*length of flight (hrs)). Giving you 51cm on a 2 hr flight, 39cm on a 3 hr flight etcetera.

In a later Annex to the codex, additional processes are described. These offer explanations for the supporting departments and job services indirectly linked to air travel. If you ever wondered what the reasons are behind certain 'anti-terror regulations', this annex will make good reading. Here's a very short overview:

• Metal detectors are programmed to beep at random intervals. On top of that, contrary to common belief, they do not detect metal. Instead, they detect sweat. High sweat levels are an indicator for stress in travellers. The more stress, the more likely it is that a traveller is late for a flight. Hence also the longer queues in summer season.
  
  
• Until recently, there was a monthly schedule for 'additional security regulations'. March was 'Please take of your belt' month. August used to be 'Please put your shoes through the x-ray machine' month. Recently, these rules were randomized after finding that travellers instinctively started to recognize the pattern and were taking off their belts/shoes while still queueing.
  
  
• The x-ray machine will calculate the amount of 'wearables' inside hand luggage, such as iPods, wallets, sun glasses, watches and coins. The 10 flights (per hour) with the highest total of 'wearable items' will be submitted to an additional full screening at the gate. This makes sure that you will have to remove all wearable items a second time.
  
  
• Duty free prices are calculated by multiplying the Recommended Retail Price by 103,5%
  
  
• The price for a simple ham and cheese sandwich will not be below €4,95
  
  
• The price for a small bottle of water will not be below €2,95
  
  
• The paper towel dispenser in toilets will be so tightly filled that you will not be able to take out a paper towel without shredding it.
  
  
• Smoking areas will be located between the non-smoking zones and the exit at all times.
  
  
• And, very important in this era of laptops and mobile phones: The maximum allowed amount of power sockets in any airport is 3. The minimum distance between a power socket and a chair or bench is 3,60 meters.

The ‘Air Travel Master Plan’, the so called ‘Flight Codex’ – Part 1

Up until the mid 70’s, air travel was very limited. The planes were the same size, but there were simply a lot less of them. People travelling by plane were business men, rock groups or people going somewhere where no bus could travel. The large travel agencies were still very much focused on buses, trains and cars.

Life on board of an airplane was almost like a Roman food orgy. More stewardesses than passengers, more food than one could chew and alcohol was flowing as if there was no tomorrow. Finally a transportation method where it wasn’t merely allowed to get drunk, no, the stewardesses spent all their time and energy in actually getting you drunk. Ok, you had to wear a seat belt when landing and taking off, but during the flight it was one big party. Cigarettes, cigars, wine, gin, vodka, it didn’t matter; air travel was all about getting to your destination in a cloud of alcohol and smoke.

Then, we’re talking end of the 70’s, there was a change. A British travel agency, we’re not allowed to reveal the name, decided that it would be a brilliant idea to ‘bring air travel to the masses’. This idea would be perfected to a tee in the second half of the 90’s by a company called Ryanair, but that’s a different story.

To get things going, the British Travel Agency started booking literally entire flights to destinations like Torremolinos and Tenerife and created brochures filled with photos of smiling stewardesses dressed in short skirts and showing trays of delicious food with happy drunk business men in the background toasting their dry Martinis.

This, it turned out, was exactly what the masses had been waiting for.

The first season of ‘Air Travel for the Masses’ was a big success. Airlines were suddenly making profits and the entire Spanish coast instantly resembled the famous British coastal town of Flingshire Upon Lavin.

So? All for the better, right?

Wrong. The airlines panicked. This was not what they were in business for. The stewardesses complained about the workload and about sweaty fat bellied Englishmen (m/f) who called them ‘love’ all the time. Instead of 25 inebriated business men, they now had to deal with 130 gin and tonic slurping football shirts. The situation called for an urgent meeting.

The meeting was held between October 17th and October 22nd, 1979. Present were all the major European airlines at the time. For obvious reasons I can’t list their names, but if you’ve ever played the game ‘Jumbo Jet’, you know exactly who were present. Yes, the red, green, dark blue, light blue, white and yellow ‘airplane tails’ were all there.

This meeting would shape the future of Air Travel. It is the reason why Air Travel is what it is today. It is the birth of a concept so devilish in design that no one has even contemplated the idea that it is in fact ‘a design’. At the end of the meeting, the 6 major European Airlines had created the ‘Flight Codex’, the ‘Air Travel Master Plan’.

The ‘Air Travel Master Plan’, the so called ‘Flight Codex’ - Introduction

Of course I'm aware that there will be people reading this blog who will take everything I write with a pinch of salt. I understand that. It is true that on occasion I may have incidentally bent the truth a little bit for a tiny little practical joke here and there. I even admit that there have been a few times where I may have accidentally exploited some good natured gullibility for the sake of a smile and a good story.

Not so with this story though. I've done my research properly this time and have checked and double checked my facts. This Air Travel Master Plan exists and is very real. I'm going to go further than that and will simply put it out there for all of you to verify on your next travels. Once you're aware of the existence of this Master Plan, you'll suddenly put all the puzzle pieces together. I even dare say that you'll experience moments of clarity like you've never known them before. In airports, of all places, which in my view, is an excellent place to experience a moment of clarity.

My best Moment of Clarity (the capital letters are justified) happened when I was a kid. We were on our way by train from Holland to Italy and in Switzerland we went into a tunnel. At the very exact moment we entered the tunnel I accidentally closed my eyes without realizing it. As I did (and do) with all tunnels, I was counting in my head the amount of seconds we were spending inside the tunnel. See it as building a spreadsheet in my head.

At the moment we exited the tunnel however, I forgot to open my eyes, simply because I hadn't realized I had them closed in the first place. For me, we were still in the tunnel. This tunnel was long, very long. In fact, in my head I was celebrating the moment that it surpassed all previous tunnels in length. The excitement was building; this was undoubtedly the longest tunnel I would ever travel through. And it still wouldn't stop! I felt what I call the exhilarating Sense of Firsts. Your first taste of chocolate ice cream, your first meters on a bicycle without support, the first time you arrive at school on your own, your first kiss and the first time you go through the longest tunnel in the world.

This was it. I knew in my head that I would one day write about this tunnel. I knew people would be so amazed when hearing about the existence of this tunnel that they would start pilgrimages to The Tunnel. There would be a plaque at the entrance of the tunnel and I would receive a Certificate testifying the accuracy of my length calculations. In short, I was counting down history in my head.

The emotion got to me. I blinked.

The light was blinding. It was not just light. It was The Ultimate Light. It was not even the metaphorical light at the end of the tunnel. This was the light beyond the end of The Tunnel. The light was dazzling, dizzying and deafening. I had just experienced the Ultimate Moment of Clarity. Literally.

The experience did mess up my memorized list of 'longest tunnels I travelled through'.

Trattoria

As I’ve spent about 10 hours in planes the past two weeks, and many more in airports, I can obviously only talk about my experiences in the air. TJ’s aside, there is another matter that I’d like to raise which has the word WHY? written all over it in a bold 48pt italic font with curly edges.

It’s the Trattoria question. Now, for those of you unfamiliar with KLM food, Trattoria is the brand name of the food they serve in economy class nowadays. Or, well… food… sandwiches to be precise. Or… well… miniature sandwiches to be preciser. Don’t worry, you get two in a package, so it definitely meets your needs after travelling for 2 hours to get to the airport, 2 hours waiting for your flight and the 30 minutes you’ve just spent taxiing with the airconditioning turned off for your convenience. Also, it perfectly complements the 5cl of orange juice you were just handed in a tiny plastic cup, so tiny it apparently is very difficult to fill it more than half way, even with non fizzy drinks. Might also be that any liquids immediately evaporate due to the very comfortable air humidity of 13% that seems to be standard on airplanes. But I digress.

Trattoria. The word breathes a warm Italian night, an empty square, two teenagers in love sitting on the stairs in front of an old church, her legs wrapped around his, trying to figure out a way to kiss each other without having to take off their sunglasses. In the distance the noises of Italian traffic, a cat lazily strays across the square. Soft Italian music fills the air from a small atmospheric little restaurant opposite the church. The Trattoria. The smell of fresh basil, diced tomatoes and a hint of garlic mixes with the odours of a city after a hot day of relentless sunshine. Trattoria, the oasis of modern day Italian life.

So how, KLM must have thought, do we create sandwiches that look, feel and taste like the word? The simple answer? Use fresh ingredients, a crisp packaging and a catching logo. And, to avoid the unavoidable, put two different sandwiches in each package, one with white bread, one with brown bread. Oh, and put some flour on top of the sandwiches to add some authenticity. Our travellers love to soil themselves, so a little flour to cover their clothes will be highly appreciated.

Then the business meeting got heated. What goes inside the sandwich? The English marketing director suggested simplicity. Cheddar and ham, what else do you need in life? The Italian sales manager countered with his suggestion of pesto. Pesto. Just pesto? No, pesto goes with everything. So whatever you put on the sandwich, pesto needs to be applied. Pesto, like butter, but green. It practically sells itself. The French managing director had the final say though, but luckily the Swedish consultant vetoed his Foie Gras idea.

I’ve had them all, by now, the various varieties the KLM/Air France team came up with.

• Pastrami with pesto
  
• Cream cheese with pesto and rocket
  
• Tandoori chicken with pesto
  
• Cheddar mix (yes, there are many different types of cheddar, do not, I repeat, do not underestimate the endless possibilities cheddar offers you. There’s dark yellow cheddar, light yellow cheddar, full yellow cheddar, there’s sunrise yellow cheddar, sunset yellow cheddar, hot afternoon yellow cheddar, canary yellow cheddar, bright neon cheddar and of course English cheddar)
  
• Regular chicken with pesto
  

And a few others. I’ll remember to write them down next quarter.

Almost forgot the most important one. ‘Goat cheese and honey’. No pesto. I’m sure many people enjoy goat cheese. I’m sure many even enjoy it with honey. Yes, yes, I know it’s a standard combination on many semi-fancy restaurant menus and I know that it is a very hip thing to say that you absolutely adore the taste of goat cheese with a dash of honey. But people, let’s face it, it’s also very hip to drink Tomato Juice on a plane…

There’s just something about goat cheese and honey that doesn’t scream ‘let’s put it on a sandwich and serve it on board of a plane’. There are certain rules in life. When you yawn, you hold a hand in front of your mouth, what goes up, must come down, that sort of stuff. Goat cheese and honey do not belong on a sandwich. See, it all sounds very familiar.

So why did no one veto goat cheese and honey? That’s all part of the Air Travel Master Plan, a plan designed by a strategic committee of all major Airlines complemented by the world’s leading Car Rental companies. The committee has been in place since the early eighties but has made a considerable impact on Air Travel in the late nineties and early years of the 21st century. I’ll explain all about it in a separate entry…

What’s with the tomato juice?

Okay, today I just had to ask. On my flight back from Nice, with KLM, everyone started to order Tomato Juice again. Just like on the flight over. And on the flights to and from Stockholm last week. This time I paid more attention. Of the 25 people around me (3 rows in front, my row and the row behind me) 17 people ordered tomato juice. Now, people can tell me a lot of stuff about coincidence and how it rules the universe, but this is just too odd. It defies all logic.

“So what?”, I hear you mumble, “ever heard of a Bloody Mary? That’s what all those people on the KLM flights are mixing themselves”. True, I did think of that. However, the ‘potent’ ingredient of Bloody Marys was not handed out with the Tomato Juice and on the, in my eyes, very disturbing question of the stewardess “Would you like pepper or salt with that?” all 17 people answered with a definite “No, just plain Tomato Juice please!”.

I deliberately choose not to go into the entire concept of mixing alcoholic beverages with Tomato Juice, pepper and or salt and add a little Tabasco just for the fun of it. That’s a weirdness that I’ll gladly discuss with you in person. But the Tomato Juice… It bugs me.

So I just had to ask. I just had to. Remember though that I’m surrounded by 17 people that have ordered the stuff and if we can assume that Coincidence isn’t playing some weird tricks on me, there might very well have been an additional 57.8 people on board drinking the stuff. If we can also agree on the simple fact that in order to drink Tomato Juice in the first place, you must be disturbed on many levels, you can see the pickle I found myself in. Or Tomato. Or whatever.

But I just had to ask. There was no way around it. So while the stewardess was putting the ingredients for the Courgette Smoothie I had ordered in her little cocktail shaker, I asked her what was up with all the Tomato Juice and when did that get back in fashion and where was I at the time…

Luckily the stewardess acknowledged that something was up with the Tomato Juice. While pouring another 4 Tomato Juices for the row behind me she told me: “Yeah, isn’t it mad? On some flights it’s even worse than on this one. Especially on flights to the former Eastern European countries, we just can’t seem to get enough of the stuff on board. Especially flights with destination Riga are famous for it. We almost exclusively serve Tomato Juice on those flights…”

More questions, more questions… where does the madness stop? Allow me to dive a little deeper into the issue. From a quick demographic study completely based on looks and noises, I have deducted that from the 17 people, 10 are Dutch. The other 7 are from countries where they speak English with a rather heavy accent. Because of all the engine noise, I can’t give you a more precise breakdown. I’m sorry. From the same 17 people, let’s call them the TJ’s, 7 are elderly (and Dutch), 5 are clearly smack in the middle of their midlife crisis (and not Dutch), 3 are younger than I feel (estimated in the 18-22 range) (1 Dutch, 2 Undutch), 1 is Dutch and very tiny (can only see a few hairs popping out over the top of the seat and 2 are Dutch and sitting directly behind me so don’t know how old they are, since I’m too shy to turn around and peek through the space between the two seats.

I’m willing to assume that the 7 Undutch are from Riga. (Isn’t that a star at 700 or so light years from Earth? Or was that Rigel?)

But the Dutch? Of various demographic groups. There’s just no clear pattern. It drives me mad. Unfortunately the elderly woman in the seat next to me (divided by the aisle, see, there is a God after all.) has just spilled her bottle of white wine all over her and is now complaining that she’s ‘floating in moisture’ (for the Dutchies reading this, her literal words are “Ik drijf in het vocht, niet normaal!”) so I hope everyone understands why I had to put my headphones on with the volume turned up beyond iPod limitations instead of doing a little survey among the TJ’s to clear up this matter once and for all.

'The Irish Years' - Part 3

It's time to talk about Bruce. Of course the Bruce thing started way before our stay in Ireland, some time in the early 80's. When it was still hip to wear huge earrings and Don Johnson was the hippest person alive. Rolling up your sleeves was essential. Those days. Soon, those days will be back, so start wearing sweat bands again and you'll be a trend setter.

Anyway, Bruce. The Irish Connection is Bruce in Concert. Three times we managed to meet the guy. Well, see him from a distance. Three concerts, three different styles. Not just a little different, I'm talking difference like Cliff Richard is different from Keith Richards. Different. I'll explain, of course.

First there was the RDS concert with the E-Street Band. This was an exhausting experience. People not being able to stand on their feet, the audience begging the band to finally stop playing, people actually mind melting to speed up the time it took for the sun to set. Serious dehydration, muscle aches, I'm talking about the Concert That Would Not End. Okay, so Bruce is what, 73? The dude started to rock the place at 20.20 and simply would not finish. He just went on and on and on and on. At 23.20 he was still playing and he wasn't showing any sign of fatigue. He was 'just warming up'. The audience by that time was dead. Literally. It was the anti-Lourdes. Healthy people entering the cave all afternoon and crippled people, finding their way out of the stadium at midnight on hands and knees after the miracle that's called Bruce happened to them.

Good concert? Absolutely. Long concert? Definitely. Worth it? Totally. The band rocks and delivers. Simple as that. To give you an idea, here's 'Waiting on a Sunny Day'. This is approximately 2 and a half hours into the concert. Please note how the audience is massively trying to get the attention of the First Aid people by raising their hands, furiously waving to get some kind of medical attention. Also note how Bruce occasionally points at people that have just lost control of their knees to help the First Aiders to get to the most urgent cases first:

Music Video Code provided by Video Code Zone

Then there was the sheer brilliance of the Devils and Dust concert at the Point Theatre. Bruce solo is simply a unique experience that cannot be matched by anything. The U2 concert in Croke Park was good, very good, but in my opinion, and yes people, you are reading this correctly, the Bruce solo show was definitely better.

I love it when people reinvent their own songs, when arrived artists do not sit on their laurels by repeating the same old show over and over again. And Bruce did exactly that for 2 and a half hours non stop (short show, in the Bruce Extended Time World, but hey... he was on his own...).

So what does that mean, Bruce solo? Not your regular, here are all my hits but now in an acoustic 'me on the guitar' version, no, no, no... Bruce reinvented unknown songs ranging from songs that he was 'never happy with in their studio version', to songs that were only released on his 'unreleased stuff' album. Oh, and along the way, he completely revamped a few well known classics, with Bruce playing sometimes up to 3 or 4 instruments... simultaneously, mind you.

It was a very personal concert, completely about the music, about the artist, about Bruce. It was Bruce, just Bruce and nothing but Bruce. The guy showed his genius in full splendour. Unfortunately, there's not a lot of material available on the web that explains what I mean, so here's just the Devils & Dust video instead:




Oh, just found 'Nothing Man', (I'm cheating, I found this way way in the future):



Then finally there was the first concert in The Point of the Seeger Sessions Tour. Again, totally up my alley, so to speak. Bruce reinventing himself yet another time, in a completely different direction. With band this time, but what a band! If I remember correctly the tiny stage of The Point was taken up by 15 or 16 people. And still Bruce managed to make the songs sound fragile, honest, personal. The style of this concert again is hard to describe, but luckily a DVD will come out sometime in Spring of 2007, so you can all buy it and become Bruce addicts as well.

Since AOL does not allow Europeans to view its videos anymore, again, material is a bit scarce. I'll be updating in the far future:

'Mrs. McGrath'



'The River'



'Erie Canal'



'Eyes on the Prize'

'The Irish Years' - Part 2

We're talking 2002. Our first couple of months in Ireland. Damien Rice is HOT. And when I say HOT, I mean HOT! People are carrying his CD 'O' everywhere they go. You go shopping and the ladies behind the counter show you his CD. Taxi drivers have the CD on display, dangling from their rear view mirror. Damien Rice is everywhere.

Okay, okay, you think, give it a few weeks, months maybe, and the fellow will disappear to wherever he came from. Not Damien. No, no, no... this one song, 'Cannonball' was played every morning on the radio for the entire period of our stay in Ireland. I'm not even exaggerating.

On average we spent 20 minutes in the car each morning on our way to work. Without exception we've heard 'Cannonball' every single morning, between 08.30 and 08.50. Random radio stations. Some days we were lucky and we were treated to the 'Damien Double': 'Cannonball' in the morning and 'Cannonball' in the evening. I can tell you this, I've calculated (I have a spreadsheet) that I've heard this song 1837 times in the period between July 2002 and September 2006. Whenever I dream at night, 'Cannonball' is playing in the background. It's the ultimate brain itch. So, join in the fun, here's 'Cannonball':

Damien Rice Videos | Movie Clips

'The Irish Years' - Part 1

I'll try and talk about a few things that I took from Ireland. No idea what I'll come up with, since the effects of the 4,5 years we spent in Ireland may only show after considerable time. I'll start with some music related effects...

First up is David Gray. He's English, I know. But before we moved to Ireland we had never heard of David Gray. He was simply not known in the Netherlands at all. During the time we spent in Ireland, Mr. Gray has also managed to get some success in Holland, but I clearly remember hearing 'Please Forgive Me' on the radio in a Dublin taxi and being very impressed by the song and especially his voice. It took some time to figure out who this unknown singer was, but ever since, David Gray has been a constant on my iTunes playlists. Anyway, here's his 'Babylon'.





In all honesty, I had never seen any music videos of the guy before looking them up right now. To be completely honest I didn't even know what the dude looked like before today... Oh well, I'll make it very MTV and give you another clip. Don't know how he does it but in some way his videos match the style of his music quite well. Not talking about the content matter, that's a completely different story, but his songs have something, well, almost haunting. With the often countermelodic rhythms, the opposing electronic sounds mixed with acoustic instruments etcetera. I don't know. I'm not MTV. Ask them.

Here's 'This Year's Love':

Music Video Codes

Almost...

^{Okay, okay, cheap shot, I know. But I've always dreamed of one day writing the following sentence: 'The look on this Robot's face before he tumbles down the stairs is excellent'. There. Dream fulfilled.}

Just a test for templating purposes

---

The picture was taken last year while 'Boating on the Shannon'. Yes, it's Zenno.

Some gymnastics for the Mind

^{Oops... something is being pulled into another dimension...}

A lot of things have changed in the world of physics since I left high school. Apparently, thinking outside of the box is now also a part of science. That's good. We like that. String theory appears to be the latest craze in the world of Einstein admirers. So to catch up, here is a very nicely made starting point to rearrange some brain cells and to get a feel of what's going on in the Universe: NOVA 

Tractor beam, Earth Style

Apparently, some scientists are making serious plans to prevent Asteroids from hitting us. They must have realized that, let's face it, Bruce Willis is not getting any younger and that we should have alternatives ready for when Bruce hits 65. Think about it, I don't see Orlando Bloom saving Earth from certain destruction any time soon, do you?

Too bad we don't take this opportunity serious enough to finally focus on real tractor beams, teleportation systems and what have you. I tell you, if the day comes that we are facing one of those giant rocks hurtling towards us and we end up sending a bunch of old (or young) astronauts to it in order to blast it out of harms way, I'm going to post a black square on this Blog to mourn the day science lost the battle. And of course, you'll all be able to buy little black sympathy ribbons from my online store. (I'll make sure to have one, before the asteroid hits)

On a semi-by the way note, Bruce's web presence is very refreshing and deserves a lot of credit. If anyone can show me another celeb's website with the same amount of 'hey, this is me'-feel to it, do let me know.

^{May 7, 2007 - Update:} Apparently Bruce Willis no longer has his own website. Pity.

What do you mean, it was a surprise?

 

Contrary to what some people will have you believe, the Katrina effects on New Orleans were to be expected in a way. Of course, after a tragedy of such scale it would be too easy to say '...told you so...', but still... Read the beginning of this article from National Geographic and then check out the date it was written... October 2004. Almost eerie...

Now let's see if history will teach us something...

Download the latest hit to your iPod... through your elbow...

What am I talking about? I'm talking about the future of wireless. Radio waves? Infrared? BlueTooth? Neh... old fashioned... Just use your hands. So here you are with a digital camera in your hand and you want to print a picture? Just touch the printer...

Anyway, here's the site of the company that is developing this new technology...

Bring it on!!!

C'était un rendezvous...

Classic stuff... How to get to the Sacre Coeur within 8 minutes... From the Champs Elysees... And the scary part is... I don't think (judging from the age of the cars that flash by) there's any digital editing involved. Just a guy with nerves of steel and possibly shit for brains. It might also come in handy if you're lost in Paris and only have your laptop with you...

Okay, okay, the sound of the Ferrari engine has been added afterwards...

Any news from the Martians lately?

They must be fun... Look at what they do with their craters... Even though, or maybe even just because, they know we're watching them...

^{Smile! You're on candid camera...}

Finally! I've found my Sancho Panza!

Never would have guessed, but apparently there are people that agree on (some) of the things I say. Not that they know that I say (some of) the things they agree on, but still, it's a start. Here's a little snippet from an article on Wired, written by... James Cameron, yes I know, he's the guy that did the Titanic flick... but that's not important right now. Let's focus on the deeper thoughts of the guy...

The last time humans crossed space to a destination was the Apollo 17 mission in 1972. In the 32 years since, no man has seen, with his own eyes, Earth as that beautiful, solitary blue sphere, and - reality check - no woman has ever seen it at all. We've been only to low Earth orbit since 1972, and from that altitude of 220 miles, looking at the 7,900-mile-diameter Earth is like peering at a basketball with your cheek pressed against it. Yes, you'll see curvature, but you're not seeing the whole thing. We've spent 32 years "exploring space" in low Earth orbit. Exploring nothing. To stay in orbit you have to go 17,000 mph,or Mach 25. So we've spent three decades going nowhere fast.

Now, for those of you who know me a bit or who have had to endure one of my rants about the lack of progress in 'recent' (read: 60) years... Isn't that eerie? I mean, I actually went and checked the house for hidden microphones and stuff. It's that spooky!

For those of you that don't know me that well, don't you think that dear Mr. James Cameron has a point? Ever been to the Kennedy Space Center? Ever wondered why they're still glorifying and celebrating their biggest achievement ever, even though it happened over 30 years ago? Well, because there's nothing else to glorify and celebrate. We've gone to the moon a couple of times, the Russians lost interest and bang, that was it. Let's just circle around the earth for a couple of decades, yes, let's.

Don't know about you, but when I was a 10 year old kid and the Space Shuttle first took off, I had visions of it flying to the moon, to Mars, to wherever. I figured that sure, the first few times it would be easier to test landings on Earth. You know, makes it easier to evacuate the crew in case the tyres blow or something. But twenty years onwards, it still hasn't actually gone places... The 10year old in me is pretty disapppointed, I can tell you...

Full Wired article here.

^{Now doesn't that look inviting?}

It's a beautiful day...

The sun was shining today, so I figured I'd take a picture of where I live. Forgot to zoom in though. Ah well...

^{Yeah, I know, I'm lying... it's an old picture... from Nasa}

Just wanted to share the geeky coolness of satellite images. Seriously, when can we finally buy a ticket for the Space Shuttle?

^{Shameless plug for Zenno}

Wifi and the future

You know what... I have faith in progress again. Here I am sitting in the middle of Dublin Airport... Wifi! In Ireland! It's an amazing world after all. Furthermore I've found a revolutionizing concept being developed in, of all places, the Netherlands... The PALV is on its way!!!

The thing can reach speeds of up to 200km/h, both in the air and on land. You need a 50m take off 'strip' to take off and you can land almost vertically. It takes regular 95/98 unleaded petrol and has an action radius of between 550 (air) and 600 (land) kilometres.

Anyway, who cares about the figures. It can take me to work and more importantly back home again in under 5 minutes!

Beautiful stuff... I want one. Want to read more? Visit Sparkdesign.

_{And if you still haven't visited Zenno, then it's about time you did...}

 

Zenno

Sometimes Blogging is not about giving information. Sometimes it's not even about ranting or raving. In highly exceptional circumstances it's not even about venting frustrations. And guess what, it may not even be about simply typing for the typing. Sometimes it's just about sharing a feeling. Holding your breath for a moment and adoring a new life... So here he is, my nephew Zenno.

^{You know, miniature things do not have to resemble iPods to be really impressive.}

The answer my friend, is blowing in the wind...

Holiday time! Have looked forward to this for many a month. Away from dull, rainy Ireland for three weeks. Where to? The Sunshine State! Florida! Combined with 5 days of New Orleans the perfect way to forget about stress, houses, rain and other dreary topics...

So here I am, blogging from a hotel room in St. Augustine Beach, Florida. Why am I not on the beach, you ask? A hurricane is visiting Florida too. So without exageration (and I've seen my share of rain in Ireland and The Netherlands) I can tell you that I've never ever seen so much rain in such a short amount of time. Literally, sheets of rain, or rather buckets full sweep by our hotel window. It's horizontal rain too, due to the wind.

So how bad is it? Well, we're stuck. We're not in the center of the thing, so we don't see any rooftops flying by (yet) but we are seeing pieces of the hotel flying by occasionally. The hotel clerk advised us that it was only a tropical storm, so there was nothing to worry about, but still... if pieces larger than our car are being ripped off of the hotel itself, in my book, it's time to at least start blinking rapidly... Basically, time to pay attention and stop blogging.

Anyway, it was interesting to see how an entire state evacuated itself and interesting to see how little information for tourists was given on the different tv-channels. No criticism, I totally agree with that. If you're man enough to travel on your own, you should be able to figure out that if you see horizontal rain, it's time to get yourself indoors. Preferably find yourself an old building. You know, one built with stones and bricks and mortar and stuff. My motto is... if it's been there for 400 years, it might just last another 10 days.

What about those palm trees? Yes, they do rock. They don't roll (yet). What about the surf? Well, I did see some surf dudes yesterday having fun on a skateboard, racing by at 60mph, wind in the back. I guess they are still going south now, unless they've past the eye, then they're on their way back.

Saddest thing I've seen? A couple of pigeons trying to take off. They use the same technique as planes. I think. Head into the wind. Take a long deep breath of fresh air, bend your knees, then push! Open your wings, flap like crazy and keep focused on where it is you're heading... ... In hurricane winds, oh sorry, tropical storm winds, that results in two confused flaps and then being blown away by the wind in the opposite directions at incredible speeds. Together with the rain it must feel as if you're on a skateboard backwards going at 60mph without seeing whereto, while someone with a high pressure water hose is sadistically trying to remove the skin from your face.

Sad, those pigeons...

 

Has progress stopped?

Anyone remember all those stories we were told when we were kids about how progress would go faster and faster and how the industrial revolution started a process that would continue to amaze people? Well, I don't buy it. I have a different theory. Progress has stopped. Think about it. Give me good examples of inventions of let's say the last 10 years. Heck, I'll give you 20 years or even 30. New inventions. Not improvements of an existing concept.

Of course I can see the difference between a Ford T and a Ford Focus or Taurus or whatever. That's not the point. What is really new? Think useful as well, don't give me the entire 'what the invention of particle splitters can do for you' nonsense... I'm thinking household, or office tools. Think ovens. Think hoovers, think fridges. Fridges, good one. My view... the only real improvement of the past 30 years would be that kids can't lock themselves in a fridge anymore without being able to give the door a good push and roll out of them on their own.

Airbags anyone? Is that it? THE invention of the 20th century? Where has the urge to discover new things, develop the unknown, reach for the impossible, disappeared to? Or is it time for me to get really depressed and accept the fact that if it doesn't sell, it won't be developed? Another example to think about. About 10 years ago, a company developed a solar powered lawn mower that could, provided you set the boundaries, mow the lawn by itself. Okay, still 'just an improvement' and not a new invention, but hey, it's a clever thought, right? 10 years later, the thing is still in 'prototype' mode. If you look hard, you can find some models out there, but are they common? No. So we're still stuck with the noisy petrol mowers or the incredibly stupid electric mowers with meters of electric cable dangerously dangling in front of the blades.

Trilobite anyone? Is that it? Office tools? Okay, I'll broaden your options... inventions like these 3D-Printers are valid... They're the closest thing at the moment to Replicators, so I'll cheer for it. Anything that gets me closer to yelling at my wall to give me a nice chocolate mousse and actually getting one is progress in my narrow view.

Transport then... arguably the biggest effect of the industrial revolution was found in transport. So what are we using for transport... Old planes, improved trains (The TGV was introduced in the early 80's, people...), Minivans, taxis with advertisement on the roof... What did you say? The Concorde? The Concorde came to be in the 70's and has now been taken out of service. Whoops. Are we going back in time? I'm worried. So here's my challenge... give me real inventions of the past 3 decades. Just a hint, CDs, DVDs and digital watches don't qualify. Life-altering new concepts, that's what I'm looking for. Please prove me wrong and show me the way to the future is still open...