Trattoria

As I’ve spent about 10 hours in planes the past two weeks, and many more in airports, I can obviously only talk about my experiences in the air. TJ’s aside, there is another matter that I’d like to raise which has the word WHY? written all over it in a bold 48pt italic font with curly edges.

It’s the Trattoria question. Now, for those of you unfamiliar with KLM food, Trattoria is the brand name of the food they serve in economy class nowadays. Or, well… food… sandwiches to be precise. Or… well… miniature sandwiches to be preciser. Don’t worry, you get two in a package, so it definitely meets your needs after travelling for 2 hours to get to the airport, 2 hours waiting for your flight and the 30 minutes you’ve just spent taxiing with the airconditioning turned off for your convenience. Also, it perfectly complements the 5cl of orange juice you were just handed in a tiny plastic cup, so tiny it apparently is very difficult to fill it more than half way, even with non fizzy drinks. Might also be that any liquids immediately evaporate due to the very comfortable air humidity of 13% that seems to be standard on airplanes. But I digress.

Trattoria. The word breathes a warm Italian night, an empty square, two teenagers in love sitting on the stairs in front of an old church, her legs wrapped around his, trying to figure out a way to kiss each other without having to take off their sunglasses. In the distance the noises of Italian traffic, a cat lazily strays across the square. Soft Italian music fills the air from a small atmospheric little restaurant opposite the church. The Trattoria. The smell of fresh basil, diced tomatoes and a hint of garlic mixes with the odours of a city after a hot day of relentless sunshine. Trattoria, the oasis of modern day Italian life.

So how, KLM must have thought, do we create sandwiches that look, feel and taste like the word? The simple answer? Use fresh ingredients, a crisp packaging and a catching logo. And, to avoid the unavoidable, put two different sandwiches in each package, one with white bread, one with brown bread. Oh, and put some flour on top of the sandwiches to add some authenticity. Our travellers love to soil themselves, so a little flour to cover their clothes will be highly appreciated.

Then the business meeting got heated. What goes inside the sandwich? The English marketing director suggested simplicity. Cheddar and ham, what else do you need in life? The Italian sales manager countered with his suggestion of pesto. Pesto. Just pesto? No, pesto goes with everything. So whatever you put on the sandwich, pesto needs to be applied. Pesto, like butter, but green. It practically sells itself. The French managing director had the final say though, but luckily the Swedish consultant vetoed his Foie Gras idea.

I’ve had them all, by now, the various varieties the KLM/Air France team came up with.

• Pastrami with pesto
  
• Cream cheese with pesto and rocket
  
• Tandoori chicken with pesto
  
• Cheddar mix (yes, there are many different types of cheddar, do not, I repeat, do not underestimate the endless possibilities cheddar offers you. There’s dark yellow cheddar, light yellow cheddar, full yellow cheddar, there’s sunrise yellow cheddar, sunset yellow cheddar, hot afternoon yellow cheddar, canary yellow cheddar, bright neon cheddar and of course English cheddar)
  
• Regular chicken with pesto
  

And a few others. I’ll remember to write them down next quarter.

Almost forgot the most important one. ‘Goat cheese and honey’. No pesto. I’m sure many people enjoy goat cheese. I’m sure many even enjoy it with honey. Yes, yes, I know it’s a standard combination on many semi-fancy restaurant menus and I know that it is a very hip thing to say that you absolutely adore the taste of goat cheese with a dash of honey. But people, let’s face it, it’s also very hip to drink Tomato Juice on a plane…

There’s just something about goat cheese and honey that doesn’t scream ‘let’s put it on a sandwich and serve it on board of a plane’. There are certain rules in life. When you yawn, you hold a hand in front of your mouth, what goes up, must come down, that sort of stuff. Goat cheese and honey do not belong on a sandwich. See, it all sounds very familiar.

So why did no one veto goat cheese and honey? That’s all part of the Air Travel Master Plan, a plan designed by a strategic committee of all major Airlines complemented by the world’s leading Car Rental companies. The committee has been in place since the early eighties but has made a considerable impact on Air Travel in the late nineties and early years of the 21st century. I’ll explain all about it in a separate entry…